I’m looking for a legal mum drug. Nice and convenient to take. Addiction free  and not traceable.  Mathildas smiles doesn’t work enough, I need hardcore. To combat chronic sleeplessness and reinforce attention. Inhaling, shooting, eating – whatever I will try anything.


But I need something, otherwise I will go crazy. Like yesterday when I nearly had an heart attack. Mathilda was sitting in her highchair in the kitchen. Unsecured. I admit. But she can’t fall out. She was sitting there quietly and inspecting  a piece of paper. I went vacuum cleaning and heard a small sound minutes later.

My brain ran amok: Mathilda fell off the high chair.

I screamed and ran in the kitchen.

No Mathilda  at the high chair. No Mathilda lying on the floor.

Instead she was sitting safely in her playing cot  and was looking at me like: “Okay, keep calm. Only 17 years and 4 months to go until I can move out.” !

I simply forget that I had put her in a safe place, in her playing cot. I don’t know how I will survive the coming 17 years and I don’t know how Mathilda is going to survive a nervous, badly perfused and hysteric mother.